Arguing or tattling was not tolerated in our house. In fact, I believe up until the time that my own children were 6 or 7, my sister and I never said a cross word to one another. Later as I came to my mother for advice with my own children, she informed me that we had our share of arguments but they were not tolerated and were far and few in between. Our house was very peaceful. This was a gift from my mom. She was not raised in a peaceful house and was determined to create a peaceful atmosphere for her husband and children. The fact my mothers siblings argued all the time and everything was in disarray proves that if you want to have a peaceful home it can be accomplished irregardless of what your background is.
So you ask, "how did she do it?" I believe the main keys to her success are routine, expectations and example.
Routines give children a clear idea of what to expect every day. Holding children accountable to do set things in a specific manner helps them to relax. It's just like you have an opening routine at work or a pattern that you follow at the beginning of your day so that you don't forget important tasks. Can you think of a time your morning routine was interrupted and the rest of the day you were off kilter? Children are the same way. I remember hating my moms required morning routine because she was right on top of us, attitudes and all. We could not get away with anything. The morning routine consisted of having the privilege of waking up by our-self to an alarm clock. We then were required to greet the first person we saw (usually our mom) with a cheerful good morning. We then made our beds, went to the bathroom, got dressed, ate breakfast, combed our hair and washed our face. Every task was to be completed in a specific amount of time. Privileges and consequences accompanied each time it was hit or missed. Yes, it was just like the military except without the yelling. We were required to have pleasant conversations which was monitored with mom's watchful eye.
When I had my children I began without much of a routine, until I found myself interrupted, flustered and late for work. I decided to give mom's way a try. It actually made my job easier because I could monitor progress toward proper daily habits. My mom suggested that my JOB was to get up 30 min early to get ready, then focus 100% of my time in happily training my children in their morning routine. No wonder my mom was always on top of us. We were her focus! After about 4-6 months my mornings were much more pleasant. I completed additional housework and even made breakfast which was a BIG hit.
Just getting things done was not enough for my mom. She had specific attitude expectations that accompanied each task. We often sang songs as we worked in three part harmony which probably drove my dad nuts but as kids we thought it was great fun. With my boys I remember hanging signs by every light switch in the house. Turn on kindness. Turn on Love, Turn on patience. When a light was turned on and the person followed the directions on the sign they could put marbles in the jar towards a special treat. We did this for about a year. Even after the signs were removed the habits stayed.
Your example is probably the most important part of the puzzle. If you talk in a irritated tone of voice to your children, they will copy you. For me, getting up before everyone else and having some quiet time did the trick. I needed to feed my soul and not feel rushed. When I was tempted to bark an order, I learned to take a deep breath, pause and think. I still lost my cool sometimes, however, it was far less frequently. It also helped to read books on parenting and share ideas with my friends.
Set yourself and your kids up for success as you turn on respect with your children. My wise mom told me "Pay now with your time or pay later for the rest of your life". If you want to avoid raising your grandchildren it is better to pay now and enjoy the fruits of your work when the grandchildren come. Training respect and responsibility seem to have gone hand in hand.
“Tammie
Lawrence is an educator and a Master Martial Arts Instructor who trains
aspiring young teachers on how to engage students and make learning fun and
successful. She is known
for her work with inspiring mindset changes with Gifted Students, ADD, ADHD and
Autism. She can be reached for seminars and workshops where you can
learn her principles for inspiring change in young people.
Golden Tiger Martial
Arts, San Bernardino, CA 92407
(909)-881-9603 or
info@martialartsgt.com
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