Are your children in control?

Does the following account sound familiar to you?

Johnny took off his belt and stood with the most pathetic pout face you have ever seen. "Let me help you here."  I said, as I reached down to retie the belt around his tiny waist.  The instant I moved in to assist, I could already tell we were on a downward spiral, plummeting quickly into a full on defiant power struggle.  The question that rang through my mind was, "how did we get here and where did this come from"?

One of my 10 veteran teachers experienced this episode today as a four year old student completely monopolized his attention from the group, at least momentarily.  After class, the normally in control teacher shrugged his shoulders, dropped his chin and asked  "How could I have handled that better?  I don't know where I lost him."

This student was just behaving like a typical four year old wanting attention by any means possible.  I have found over the years if young children are recognized and rewarded for good choices they will make more good choices.  What good things did you recognize him for in class, 3 to 5 minutes prior to this incident?  Nothing.   This is where you lost it. When you catch kids doing things right and  recognize quickly, they will, with great perception and clarity, act out what behaviors capture your attention.

My other suggestion is prior to every class, pre-frame young children what is expected and 90% of the time you will achieve great success.  Here is an example of how we would use it in the classroom.

• "Johnny you are so smart, your going to be one of my leaders today.  I expect you to show the other students how to stand straight at the beginning of class".   
• "Can you do that for me?"  "Say Yes, ma'am"  "Because I know your good". 
• As soon as Johnny stands straight point it out to the class.  "Everyone look at Johnny he is standing straight and he is a great leader".  

I use to use the same exact technique with things like having my children sit still in the doctors office. 

• "Jessie you one one of the best behaved children.  Everybody tells me, your son Jessie is so good.  When we go to the doctor today I bet you could be the most quite and the most still child in the entire waiting room".  
• "Can you do that?  Say "yes, mom."  "Because I know your good"!
• All of the nurses and doctors that work there are going to notice how good you are.  
• Make sure to compliment how well they are doing.  

As a teacher I would call this pre-framing or setting the expectation I was looking for.  As a parent I call this speaking life into my children.   Even If your children are resistant to this technique, if you tell them they are great, respectful, kind and obedient kids every day, all day, they will eventually believe you!   

“Tammie Lawrence is an educator and a Master Martial Arts instructors who trains aspiring young teachers how to engage students to make learning fun and successful.  She is known for her work with inspiring mindset changes with Gifted students, ADD, ADHD and Autism.   She can be reached for seminars and workshops where you can learn her principles for inspiring change in young people, so you can end the power struggle and enjoy your work as a parent or teacher. Golden Tiger Martial Arts, San Bernardino, CA  92407 (909)-881-9603"