Turn on Respect at home!

                                                           "Shut up!"  "I didn't say anything!"  "It's none of your business!"

 Do your children talk to one another like this?  Does the constant bickering get on your nerves?  Is it time to "Turn on Respect" in your home?

Arguing or tattling was not tolerated in our house.  In fact, I believe up until the time that my own children were 6 or 7, my sister and I never said a cross word to one another. Later as I came to my mother for advice with my own children, she informed me that we had our share of arguments but they were not tolerated and were far and few in between.  Our house was very peaceful.  This was a gift from my mom.  She was not raised in a peaceful house and was determined to create a peaceful atmosphere for her husband and children.  The fact my mothers siblings argued all the time and everything was in disarray proves that if you want to have a peaceful home it can be accomplished irregardless of what your background is.

So you ask, "how did she do it?"  I believe the main keys to her success are routine, expectations and example.

Routines give children a clear idea of what to expect every day. Holding children accountable to do set things in a specific manner helps them to relax.  It's just like you have an opening routine at work or a pattern that you follow at the beginning of your day so that you don't forget important tasks.  Can you think of a time your morning routine was interrupted and the rest of the day you were off kilter? Children are the same way. I remember hating my moms required morning routine because she was right on top of us, attitudes and all.  We could not get away with anything. The morning routine consisted of having the privilege of waking up by our-self to an alarm clock. We then were required to greet the first person we saw (usually our mom) with a cheerful good morning. We then made our beds, went to the bathroom, got dressed, ate breakfast, combed our hair and washed our face. Every task was to be completed in a specific amount of time.  Privileges and consequences accompanied each time it was hit or missed. Yes, it was just like the military except without the yelling. We were required to have pleasant conversations which was monitored with mom's watchful eye.

When I had my children I began without much of a routine, until I found myself interrupted, flustered and late for work.  I decided to give mom's way a try.  It actually made my job easier because I could monitor progress toward proper daily habits.  My mom suggested that my JOB was to get up 30 min early to get ready, then focus 100% of my time in happily training my children in their morning routine.  No wonder my mom was always on top of us.  We were her focus!   After about 4-6 months my mornings were much more pleasant.  I completed additional housework and even made breakfast which was a BIG hit.

Just getting things done was not enough for my mom.  She had specific attitude expectations that accompanied each task.  We often sang songs as we worked in three part harmony which probably drove my dad nuts but as kids we thought it was great fun. With my boys I remember hanging signs by every light switch in the house. Turn on kindness. Turn on Love, Turn on patience. When a light was turned on and the person followed the directions on the sign they could put marbles in the jar towards a special treat. We did this for about a year. Even after the signs were removed the habits stayed.

Your example is probably the most important part of the puzzle.  If you talk in a irritated tone of voice to your children, they will copy you.  For me, getting up before everyone else and having some quiet time did the trick. I needed to feed my soul and not feel rushed. When I was tempted to bark an order, I learned to take a deep breath, pause and think.  I still lost my cool sometimes, however, it was far less frequently.  It also helped to read books on parenting and share ideas with my friends.

Set yourself and your kids up for success as you turn on respect with your children. My wise mom told me "Pay now with your time or pay later for the rest of your life".  If you want to avoid raising your grandchildren it is better to pay now and enjoy the fruits of your work when the grandchildren come.  Training respect and responsibility seem to have gone hand in hand.

“Tammie Lawrence is an educator and a Master Martial Arts Instructor who trains aspiring young teachers on how to engage students and make learning fun and successful.  She is known for her work with inspiring mindset changes with Gifted Students, ADD, ADHD and Autism.   She can be reached for seminars and workshops where you can learn her principles for inspiring change in young people. 

Golden Tiger Martial Arts, San Bernardino, CA  92407 (909)-881-9603 or

info@martialartsgt.com

Are your children in control?

Does the following account sound familiar to you?

Johnny took off his belt and stood with the most pathetic pout face you have ever seen. "Let me help you here."  I said, as I reached down to retie the belt around his tiny waist.  The instant I moved in to assist, I could already tell we were on a downward spiral, plummeting quickly into a full on defiant power struggle.  The question that rang through my mind was, "how did we get here and where did this come from"?

One of my 10 veteran teachers experienced this episode today as a four year old student completely monopolized his attention from the group, at least momentarily.  After class, the normally in control teacher shrugged his shoulders, dropped his chin and asked  "How could I have handled that better?  I don't know where I lost him."

This student was just behaving like a typical four year old wanting attention by any means possible.  I have found over the years if young children are recognized and rewarded for good choices they will make more good choices.  What good things did you recognize him for in class, 3 to 5 minutes prior to this incident?  Nothing.   This is where you lost it. When you catch kids doing things right and  recognize quickly, they will, with great perception and clarity, act out what behaviors capture your attention.

My other suggestion is prior to every class, pre-frame young children what is expected and 90% of the time you will achieve great success.  Here is an example of how we would use it in the classroom.

• "Johnny you are so smart, your going to be one of my leaders today.  I expect you to show the other students how to stand straight at the beginning of class".   
• "Can you do that for me?"  "Say Yes, ma'am"  "Because I know your good". 
• As soon as Johnny stands straight point it out to the class.  "Everyone look at Johnny he is standing straight and he is a great leader".  

I use to use the same exact technique with things like having my children sit still in the doctors office. 

• "Jessie you one one of the best behaved children.  Everybody tells me, your son Jessie is so good.  When we go to the doctor today I bet you could be the most quite and the most still child in the entire waiting room".  
• "Can you do that?  Say "yes, mom."  "Because I know your good"!
• All of the nurses and doctors that work there are going to notice how good you are.  
• Make sure to compliment how well they are doing.  

As a teacher I would call this pre-framing or setting the expectation I was looking for.  As a parent I call this speaking life into my children.   Even If your children are resistant to this technique, if you tell them they are great, respectful, kind and obedient kids every day, all day, they will eventually believe you!   

“Tammie Lawrence is an educator and a Master Martial Arts instructors who trains aspiring young teachers how to engage students to make learning fun and successful.  She is known for her work with inspiring mindset changes with Gifted students, ADD, ADHD and Autism.   She can be reached for seminars and workshops where you can learn her principles for inspiring change in young people, so you can end the power struggle and enjoy your work as a parent or teacher. Golden Tiger Martial Arts, San Bernardino, CA  92407 (909)-881-9603"

Teaching respect to children with anger issues

I have two sons.  One who is easy going, happy and was fairly easy to raise and the other who was born angry.  I remember him screaming every two hours for food from day one. If my second son had been born first he may have been an only child.  Techniques that worked for my oldest son did not work at all for my youngest son.  If you are raising an angry child, I want to start by saying don't loose hope and don't be lazy!  I pushed, dug in my heels, studied, cried, supervised, prayed and was exhausted often.  My recovered angry child is a now great dad, a successful business man and a great son.

 My girlfriend has raised a similar child but she let him get away with angry attitudes. She felt he was just not a morning person.  He is now in and out of jail and she is raising her grandchildren and the battle continues.  My wise mom told me to pay now or pay later and boy, was she was right!  Don't loose heart!  You are raising a leader who will do amazing things given the right direction.

On a typical day during Elementary school years, I could expect a scowl as a response to my cheerful "Good morning" greeting.  No matter how I responded, I could expect defiance attitude  to any request he did not agree with, irregardless of how cleverly I approached the issue.  I personally hate conflict and it would be easy to let this go but I decided that creating a respectful attitude began at home and with family.  I wanted to have a peaceful home!

My son and I began facial expression training.  Yes, we stood in front of the mirror and made faces.  "Show me what a mean face looks like.  Show me what a crazy face looks like.  Show me what a sad face looks like.  Show me what a happy face looks like.  Show me what a silly face looks like". This was a 15-20 minute project.  We were both laughing hysterically and went into our day with a much better frame of mind.  The next day we were back in front of the mirror making faces.  This went on for a week.

The next week I decided it was time to add association training part 1.  Make a happy face. This is the face I expect to see when you come out of your room in the morning.  If you do not have this face
your assignment is to stand in front of the mirror until you are able to produce this face.  I greeted my son with "Good morning to my happy face son."  If he did not have a happy face he was either sent or accompanied to the bathroom to look in the mirror and produce the happy face.  "Which face would you say this is?"  "Show me the crazy face and now the happy face". The goal was to be able to give the direct instructions of  "I expect to see the Happy face" without a fight!  .

 My son was extremely stubborn and I remember holding his face so he could see in the mirror until I saw a change.  I talked him in the afternoons about how I was training him to be a leader and the first person he had to lead was himself.  Leading yourself is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.  If you can get good at it, you can do anything you want.

When my son and I approached the mirror over the following weeks, I talked about how he was going to be my great leader.  I also talked about how strong he was because he could lead himself and there were grown ups that couldn't even do that.  I read books to him about leadership and introduced him to great leaders at church and in the community.  Leaders have the ability to change the world.

We did the training for 6 months to a year without missing a morning.   This attitude change I was attempting to instill was too important.  Remember when I told you about my girlfriend?  She did the training with me, however, she skipped the fun week and went right into the change your face week. There was a huge power struggle and she gave up the fight on week 2. Needless to say her grown son still greets her with a scowl and rude comments.

I also did ton of voice training in a similar fashion which I can write about in a different blog.

Training Respectful Children

Training respectful children

Parents often ask me how to correct impolite behavior.  My pholispohy is training good behavior as part of your daily routine.  It will make your job much easier and reduce the stress levels in your life.

Our children live in a computer world where interaction with technology has become the center of their world.  Look around you the next time you're in a store, restaurant, or a doctors waiting room, no one is talking!  They are all engaged with technology.  The opportunity to learn basic social skills and etiquette have deminished significantly.  Parents who want to have respectful children must plan to practice social interaction.

What do you do when your child is disrespectful in front of you to another adult or teacher?  In our school, I have noticed most parents of preschool and kindergarten age students correct their children when they are not polite to teachers.  2nd grade to 6th grade parents either don't notice or they ignore disrespectful behavior.  The biggest thing we are seeing are students that completely disregard communication from teachers and parents.

I did an experiment for over 6 months where I stood at the door to greet each of my students as they came in for class.  90% of the 300 Elementry age students completely ignored my greeting.   A few students smiled, made eye contact and walked by, however, most students staired straight ahead and kept walking.  The second week, I started working with the responsive students who smiled and walked by.  They had no clue what to say when I said "Good Morning Johnny." I began teaching them and they felt relieved knowing what to say.  

Old fashioned greetings can help children with social skills and teach them to be polite.  Try this when your children come out of their rooms in the morning: "Good morning Johnny."  If you're  raising a grumpy morning head child like my second son was, greet them at the breakfast table or slightly later in your morning routine.  Expect them to smile, and greet you back with a polite and cheerful tone of voice.  If they look at you and grunt like a caveman, just smile and say "The proper greeting is for you to smile, look at me, and say "Good Morning, Mom!".  Let's try that again.  Remember, if you are sarcastic, your child will pick up on your tone of voice so use the same polite voice you want them to use with you.  

I practiced polite greetings with my children 4 times while they were home.

When they woke up, it was "Good morning, Jessie." returned by "Good morning, Mom".

When they went out the door to school. "Have a great day at school". "Thank you mom." 

When they came home from school it was, "How was your day?"   Responses varied but they had to look at me and have a conversation.

When they went to bed " Good night, Jessie".  "Good night, Mom"

To this day I receive compliments on both of my boys.  They are grown men with children and I still have people stop me in the grocery store and say how polite they are.